Me and You, Heart to Heart.

Another day has come and gone.

A few random thoughts as I sit here wanting to make sense of life right now.

I don’t know what it means to truly be “strong” when we are facing challenges or obstacles in our life. Crying does not make me feel weak. It is simply an outlet where my frustrations and emotions collide. When the tears have dried, I honestly feel motivated to keep going.

I have two little ones. Doing nothing is not an option.

As a woman, there are things that naturally discourage me but I have decided that acceptance will help put peace in my heart.

I accept my life for what it has been. Regrets are pointless.

I accept my choices and consequences, and forgive myself for the foolishness. At least I learned my lessons.

And. A good quote by a famous inventor of whom I cannot recall but he said, “Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself.” Or something like that.

I accept others as they are. We are all individuals living in our own sphere of adversity and shortcomings. I will not judge. I understand imperfection. (unless you are a nurse at a hospital and you are being rude to my husband who is a patient, there is no room for imperfection in your bad attitude, you can at least walk around normal!)

I have a lot I need to work on.

I need to be better.

Thank goodness for family. They help point out everything that is wrong with you.

I recently came across this quote: “Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to unpack.”

My hubby and I have a lot of unpacking to do together but he sure makes it fun along the way.

Today I tried to do my mother’s to do list from my previous post. I want my children’s laughter to echo in my ears forever.

I want to memorise every brilliant sentence, every facial expression, and every funny thing they do. Being a mother is the most wonderful yet heart wrenching thing I have ever experienced so far. Because I know I won’t remember all of it. They’re growing up too fast. They are right here with me now but I miss them already. They’ll never be as they are now ever again. I must cherish everyday. My heart shatters for parents who do not get to see their kids everyday. My husband has been in hospital a week tomorrow. Me and the kids make a video during the day and I show it to him each night when I visit the hospital. I see the longing in his eyes. It sucks.

Everyone has something they turn to when they want to get their mind off of life. I want to watch the Office. But we always watch it together. I guess I’ll just go to bed.

Good night. x

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A Mother’s To Do List

Sometimes we read things that make us think.

I recently read something not-so-pleasant, but it made me think. Should anything happen to my children, would I be able to really know they had a good life? So I came up with a to do list.

Everyday I Must:

Hug and kiss and smother my kids with a cuddle or two or three

Do tickles and giggles, anything to make them laugh loud

Have a conversation or several or just never stop talking to them

Sit on the floor and play with them

Have them in my lap or close-by and watch the movie or TV show with them

Play chase and peek-a-boo everyday because that’s their favourite

Say prayers with them

Brush teeth together as a fun activity

I may not always get it right everyday. But right now the most important thing to me is that they are happy. There is nothing more beautiful than the sound of my children’s laughter. Each day I have an agenda. I am adding this to do list on that agenda. x

Top Ten: You Know You Miss Your Husband When…

My husband is in the hospital. Again. Do wives get used to this? I’m still new at dealing with the emotions. I miss him. A lot. So much that I realised I’ve developed a few bad habits from being so depressed. When he is not around, I change. We are one and half of me is missing. I cannot function in the same way if I am not whole. But I laughed at myself when I found myself doing a few ridiculously lazy  or silly things that I stereotype as “manly” 🙂

1. You find yourself eating beef jerky at 8:30 in the morning.

2. You do not notice how mismatched your clothes are when you leave the house.

3. You ask yourself, “when was the last time I brushed my teeth?”

4. Dogs, trucks and guns seem pretty cool and interesting.

5. You enjoy electrifying the bugs you find in the house.

6. Shopping at the mall- or in general- is not fun.

7. Dishes pile up.

8. You left your socks on the floor.

9. You start analysing muscle definition.

*10. You skip the glass and drink straight from the jug.

If you’d like to add anything, I’d love to hear your top ten list!

I Have A Home On Both Sides of the Ocean

Time to go home

It is good to be back home- here in our Essex flat. And it was good to be home in Ohio for Christmas.

What actually happened was far from what I had imagined would happen. I thought I would kiss the ground. Thank the pilot. Cry with joy. Instead of all that jazz, I was kind of too busy being stressed over my kids crying, nappies needing changed, the baby needing nursed, my own needs of having to use the loo and feeling hungry. The husband was so happy to be back home! He was smiling from ear to ear! Then he asks me- “How does it feel to be back home?” “I don’t know yet but can you give me the backpack, I need Ethan’s bottle, thanks.”

On the road heading home

Soon the excitement grew for me too.I sat on the wrong side of the car. And we drove on the wrong side of the road. Stoplights hung on wires over the road. The roads were really wide! And there was so much space everywhere! All the houses had front and backyards! And a garage! I loved the names of the roads. And peoples accents were so heavy yet friendly.

All these things that had been normal for me, were now something more. Almost like having amnesia and only now starting to remember again who I am, or who I was.

Aunty Katherine with me and the boys

As we drove through Hartville, Uniontown, Canton, Akron, I noticed a lot of changes. But the most that has changed is ME.

One night, I sat at a table in a restaurant with two friends. We drank fruity lemonades and spoke as old friends do. At one point the conversation went kind of like this:

“It’s been a decade but I still feel like me, just fatter.”

“Sometimes I think I haven’t changed either, until I find myself around a bunch of twenty year olds and I realise, nope I’ve changed!”

“Have I changed? You’ve definitely changed, you’re more serious.”

I miss those friends of mine so much!

Aunty Krystal With Axel

As I was enjoying my Christmas holiday with old friends and new family, there were things I missed about my home here in England too. Call me crazy but I missed hanging my laundry outside while Ethan played close-by. My love for pegs (clothespins) is absurd. I missed Tesco. And Primark. Or maybe it was more like I missed going into a store and knowing exactly where to find everything. I missed going on walks in our neighbourhood. Now that I’m back, I am not missing any of it, but rather missing everything on the other side. Like watching Ethan run after Smoky. And watching Ethan scold the dogs. And just missing being home. I’m torn.

Ethan and Smoky

 The best part about any holiday, coming or going, is family. I am so blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. And blessed to have mine too. xx

Four generations!