The Papers

(photo credit)

The kids were in bed, the house quiet and she knew it was time to go through the papers. With only the hallway light and her computer on, she walked over to the filing cabinet and pulled out a green plastic folder. As she held that folder, memories flooded her mind. Being at the store when she bought the folder. Standing at the copy machine of the same store filling the folder with these papers. In the dim light she walked to the dining room table and sat down, unsure of what the next few hours would bring to her emotionally. It was then that she realised she hadn’t looked at these papers for several years. She had wanted to put it behind her. Move on somehow. But sometimes a person can’t move forward without confronting their past.

When she opened the folder, it was like opening a picture book. She was suddenly there again. She saw herself, how she was back then. She cried because she remembered it so vividly. Her heart didn’t just break, it had shattered. And over the years she has had to find each piece of that young heart, and put it back together. Give her a life she can love, and reasons to live.

As she sat looking at those papers, her baby began to cry in his sleep and jolted her back to the present time. She knew that whatever had hurt her all those years ago no longer mattered as much because she was now a mother. And as a mother, it was her baby that made her heart beat. The content on those papers, is what it is. No matter what, she knew she and her baby would be okay.

There are papers of divorce, eviction, rejection, redundancy, etc and seeing the reality of the situation in black and white can be devastating. Like our life has been officially stamped with permanent ink. I believe that past memories don’t have to hurt every time we remember them. And our tears don’t mean we are still suffering. We are just remembering. And hopefully remembering can help us be more compassionate and understanding of others. Our pains from the past don’t have to make us bitter or resentful in the present. We can’t control everything that happens to us. Just how we handle it.

Three words that sum up what I have learned about life: IT MOVES ON.

He Learned the Word “Sad.”

Time seemed to slow down for just a few minutes. Everything in the last week replayed itself in fast forward mode in my head. I couldn’t hold back what I felt inside. My emotions poured out and my soul revealed her sadness.

I scooped Ethan up in my arms and held him. My tears watermarked his teeshirt. He laid his head on my shoulder and allowed himself to be my comfort.

He sat cross-legged on my lap and looked into my eyes as I looked into his. I watched his eyes follow my tears as they rolled down my cheek. Still watching the flow of tears, he whispered softly, as if he now understood, “sad.”

“People Watching” on the London Tube

I’m sitting on the Jubilee line shamelessly people watching. They don’t know I haven’t done this for a long time. I kind of miss the familiarity of it. I look at their shoes, their hair, their shopping bags, and making mental notes of what the latest trends are. Whether I am on the underground, or walking through a crowd, or being seated in a restaurant, or watching other drivers on the road, I wonder where they are coming from? Where are they going? What are they thinking about? One day I might be brave enough to ask. I know I am coming from home. Heading off to my favourite hairdresser and then home again.

I’m not the only one who is people watching- I see others watching me and others too. I sit here wondering about them, now I wonder what they think of me?