In my mind I am sitting in the waiting area of the hospital. My husband is behind the door under the eye of a number of doctors. If I am there, then at least I would be closer to my husband instead of being here at home. Helpless and without him. I am laying on my bed paralysed and emotional with worry. Axel has been crying. He has a cold. After a while my sister comes in and gets him. I am staring at nothing on the door. My face is wet and salty.
We have been receiving many emails of promised prayers in behalf of my husband. I should reply to everyone and say thank you, but I just want my children in my arms right now. Ethan must be sensing my sadness because he keeps coming over to give me hugs. He is holding a balloon in each hand, I had blown them up a week ago for his birthday. He head butts the door and laughs. I chuckle. He gives me another hug and then runs to the other room.
The other night my husband and I were talking about going to Paris. We’ve been talking about it since before we married. We could disappear for a few days. I loved the idea. These kinds of conversations make me happy because I feel like our future is bright and full of adventures to come. Even if we never do these things, I was happy pretending. I am a dreamer and my husband entertains those dreams. I love him for that.
A tear runs down my cheek onto my lip. My husband is the only one who has ever kissed away my crying tears. He has a way. And it makes me fall for him even more when he does.
I’m still laying on the bed. My head is pounding and my eyes are burning. I wonder what tests my husband has to go through. I wonder a lot of things but now I just want the answer. The next step.
Have I been a good enough wife? Have I given my husband a happy marriage? He always says yes but I still question myself. I can do better. Ethan comes in again but now he has cars in each hand. One is from his birthday that my husband had gotten for him. He thought he’d have more time to play with his son and show him how to use his new toy tool set.
I miss my husband. He will be gone from home until they find the cause of his weakening body. I will pray that the doctors will have the knowledge required to make the correct diagnosis and effective treatment. There are so many things that now seem so minuscule when all I desire is that we can be together as a family. Always.
When we have family dinner, I want him there. When I go to church, I want him next to me. When I lay in bed at night, I want to feel his closeness. God knows I love my husband. The boys love their daddy. Everything will be okay.
I hope for the strength I need to keep my family happy despite the challenges facing us. I hope for the heart God intends for me to have to always feel love and compassion. And I hope that the smiles we have will never fade.
Dear diary, life feels uncertain right now while we wait for the answers……