Watching My Son Love His Daddy

Before I married and was in the dating game, I realised that I couldn’t be with a man who not only was a good husband to me, but I needed a man who would be a good daddy to our kids.

To be a daddy he had to be fun, filling our home with laughter.

He had to be caring, with arms ready for a hug at any time our child needs one.

He needs to be patient, and hold his hand, guiding him as he learns about life.

He has to be responsible. And of course, he has to have respect towards women, especially me! Opening doors and speaking kindly.

There is not space enough to write all the wonderful qualities I have found in my husband.

Watching my son love his daddy lets me know I made an excellent choice 🙂

We love you Shaun xx

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I’m Dancing With You

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I started off dancing alone. And that was okay. Until I danced with you.

Now I know I need a partner. To hold me steady. To hold me up. And to just hold me.

You are the music that make my feet move. 

You remind me I have the strength to finish.

You are the only applause I hear.

This life would be without song if you weren’t here with me.

In your arms is where I belong, always.

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My Fear of Windows

Here is a little thing about me you may not have known: I have a fear of windows. More specifically, ground floor windows with open curtains, especially at night. But this fear is not my fault. I blame it on an illustrator of a children’s book I saw a long time ago.

I am not one who encourages “scars” from childhood, but this one has stuck on me. Imagine this, a little girl about 4 or 5 years old, going to the library with her mom and siblings. She peruses through the shelves and picks up a random book. She stares at the cover. Not because it was beautiful and enchanting, but because it had a picture of something scary, a kind of reality of what is happening in the world. It was a sketch of an old man, perhaps a grandpa, sitting in an armchair in front of the fireplace. A little girl sat in his lap and he was reading to her. Both completely oblivious to the danger only a few feet away. Behind them was a window, with the curtains open, and a man looking in!

From them on, I feared being watched and not knowing that I was being watched. He could have been a dangerous man. Perhaps this illustration stuck with me because there is a truth to life that comes with it. There are so many what if’s, I don’t want to dwell on it.

We should not live in fear, but I admit that I do close my curtains proper every night!

What scares you?

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Overcoming Low Self-Esteem

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I am unsure of how to tell this story. It may not flow. I’ll start with a scene.

I was living alone when my ex and I broke up. I mention that I was living alone because for anyone who has, knows that when you are alone you tend to think. A LOT. I sat on my sofa and often looked out the window. What world was I living in? Where in this world did I want to be? But I didn’t budge. After that break up, my self-esteem was buried. I felt that if he couldn’t love me, no one could. I knew my faults. He did too. He liked to point them out to me. And this low self-image made me unable to progress. My self-worth was at nothing. I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoes. These feelings directly linked to how I felt about my appearance. I always thought that if I were pretty enough, my man would never leave me. Or cheat on me. There were days I felt so ugly I wouldn’t leave my apartment. Why should I burden the world with my ugliness?

This sounds awfully depressing and perhaps even a bit extreme and dramatic. But when we hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. I had a wonderful friend who helped me through that difficult time in my life. Of not just the break up and lack of positive self-image, but also a time of self discovery. I had tried to be someone he wanted me to be. I changed myself to the point where I didn’t even know myself anymore. This friend of mine encouraged me to go back to my writing. So I did.

The first thing I did was write down everything I remembered about myself before I dated him. The places I loved going to, favourite foods, shops, outfits, and memories with friends. Making a list of all my favourite things domino-ed into other lists of myself. These lists became the definition of who ‘Nancy’ was and then I had to figure out who she IS. Along with the lists of my favourites, I also made lists of goals and the hardest one: talents. Because to name a talent, is to say something positive about oneself, and that can be hard. My friend helped by pointing things out. This started to boost my confidence.

I no longer remember the time frame exactly of how long it took me to overcome my depression, but I remember that those simple exercises of writing put me in a place within myself where I could say with feet firmly planted, “No one will ever make me doubt myself again. I know who I am. And I now know my worth.”

I have strived to live up to that standard all these years later. One of my favourite phrases my friends and I have is: “Don’t even try it.” (said with proper attitude!) When some guy tries to treat you bad, you just say, Don’t even try it. He lies to you and then tries to convince you to stick around, you say, Don’t even try it. Or whatever it is that he does that is not acceptable, you just say, Don’t even try it. And move on.

Now I am very lucky to be married to a man who treats me with respect, recognises my worth, builds my self-esteem and makes me feel like I can achieve all the desires of my heart. He believes in my talents and he encourages me all the time to use them. But sometimes I think, I am not just lucky, I had to decide for myself first that I am worth more than what I had before. x

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times, hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

3 Things To Inspire… Me To Be A Better Person

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There have been lots of staircases in my dreams. And clocks. I would rather self analyse what it might mean instead of turning to a book. So for me, I am trying to reach greater heights. Progress to better-ment. And to not waste time. If I have little time to make life and myself better, I have lots to do. And lots to learn.

There is so much in life, we should be learning all the time. I often think of the people who have touched my life and taught me something vital. From how to achieve my goals, hold onto hope, love unconditionally, forgive without judgement or bitterness, or even practical things like the best pasta sauce recipe that I now make my family. All these people have helped me become who I am. But I know I can be better. I must be better.

This week I have found these 3 wisdoms that if applied, will help me take another step up.

1. One cannot hide behind their judgementality by calling it an “opinion.”

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2. We can have our own style, but it still should be modest and appropriate.

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3. Recognising that not everything that has happened in the past has to dwell in our present. Learn, let go and move on.

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Change Is Around The Corner

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Every night as part of our bedtime routine, we all lay on the bed and sing songs before we say a prayer with Ethan and then after “amen!” he knows to get in his crib. Tonight it was just the two of us. Tonight it dawned on me that soon it will be more of us. It is both exciting and a bit unnerving for me to think that it will never be like this again. I hope I can give my sons the individual attention they need.  I hope I will be able to adjust going everywhere as a package of three. I hope Ethan will love his new little brother. As the time draws nearer the due date, I am feeling more emotional about these changes.  Or maybe its the hormones, or maybe I need more sleep, who knows. I just know I love my little Ethan and I am already missing just being the two of us. x