(photo via pinterest)
I have three boys who need my attention. One who stands just over two feet tall yet dominates my life. Another who I adore but sadly at the end of the day after work he just sees me exhausted and ready for sleep. And a third boy who literally never leaves me alone (he’s still in the belly growing but his kicks and jumping jacks keep me company). I often long for solitude. Real solitude.
Like that one time I sat on a big flat rock on an island of Greece surrounded by shrubbery and I listened to the waves crash against the rock I sat on. I remember that I looked out into the horizon and felt an eerie unfamiliarity because I am kind of scared of water and this sea was far from home. Then the harbour cats scared me because there was like twenty around me and I went back to the open cave restaurant where I ate blue cheese for the first time and did not like it but I loved being on a couch in an open. I made a note to self: I love sitting in a cave if there is a couch.
I am sure I mentioned this before about spending time with oneself. In those moments of being alone I am able to seek out the inner me or just have some time to pray and appreciate the beauties in this world. Meditation and reflection does help me make sense of the world.
I remember the time I sat in a library at uni searching for stuff online and saw a deal to fly to Italy and I booked it without hesitation. A few weeks later I sat at a table just outside the Galleria facing the Duomo eating bolognese while watching an accordion player and dancer do a routine. Later that night after the sun had set and the sky was night, I sat by the gardens outside the Milan train station, which is huge and beautiful, and admired the stars. Italian stars.
Some may feel the need to share these experiences with someone but I loved experiencing it alone. To occasionally disconnect from the busy world around us and connect ourselves to another, more peaceful, realm of the same world is very satisfying. And we all need some quiet once in a while.
As a mother with these boys I can’t just run away to a far place and hide, but I still need some alone time and quiet. A few weeks ago I was having one of those days. A feeling like you are a bird with clipped wings and you’re trapped in a cage going crazy. I left the flat. The two boys stayed home and I waddled myself about 100 metres to the neighbourhood playground and sat on the bench. I breathed deep. Ten minutes of peace was all I needed. I was ready to go back. It amazes me how motherhood changes a woman so much. It has changed me significantly. I used to have to leave the country for a few days. Now a short walk and a few deep breaths is all I need to recharge my “mom battery” and keep going.
I love my family more than anything. It is that balance between mother/wife/self I am still trying to schedule into my life. One day I’ll figure it out 🙂